warning - freshly triggered thoughts hot off the presses
It would be my second post on this blog to be dated a year later than the first and one of those, need to get off my chest oversharing type of writings.
Don’t mind me over here, just currently channeling back my 20-year-old young adult trauma endured self after getting these thoughts spurred.
Here I go - finally sharing my truth:
It’s funny how life makes its twists and turns and though you’ve found peace in the present, the past can slowly trigger the hurt that was left unhealed underneath.
If you think I’m too nice now, then you can only imagine what an unhealed, immature, people-pleasing version of me was like. That’s all for context, so here’s to the story: when I was young I was ready to explore life outside of the small bubble I grew up in. I ended things with my first boyfriend and had a crush on this new guy at work. I was so excited to throw this party to get to know him better. Like so many other millennial women, outside of the bubble, we were party people. I didn’t invite my ex ofc, but he insisted so much so I was too nice to say no. What could be the worst that could happen?
I was wrong, dead wrong and what happened that night changed the trajectory of my whole life. Which I’m not unthankful for, but more just finally resolving a trauma that I brushed under the rug until really right now. Those who were claimed to be “Protectors” didn’t protect me at all and even turned on me when you could’ve changed me the most. Granted I understand immaturity is at play sometimes. This is just my closure.
That night I had relations with my new crush. Needless to say, it drove my first boyfriend crazy - wailing kicking down the locked door during the party. It cleared everyone out, but somehow brought the Calvary of people who were supposed to be my brothers who disgraced me, even walking in during the act. It baffles me how I got painted into a bad light, that if looked upon in a secular view, my biggest crime was not being able to say no. And maybe if I’d have gone through the therapy I have now or different childhood back then I’d do everything differently. It’s sad when all your doing is being genuinely nice everyday and it get completely twisted.
It hurts, but I bring myself back to the present and am super thankful for the life I’m living today. I don’t know what would have happened if none of that did. I just hate getting reminded and my mind taking me back to that night. This is why I’d never take anyone’s friends from them, cause I know the deep down hurt it can cause and a part of the reason I’ve stepped away from almost anything religious.